18 Hours and Counting the Shakes in My Hands

Right now I'm doing things that probably don't need doing, but at least it's taking my mind off of tomorrow. Adding in some of my favorite jazz and classical albums to the .mp3 player - lately listening to death metal doesn't seem to put me at ease. I grabbed my stack of Ed McBain books and put them on the night stand, next to my batch of DVDs to watch (mostly television stuff - Arrested Development, Scrubs, Veronica Mars). This morning Gerri and I spent about 4 hours power washing the deck and garage; we trimmed a lot of the overhanging branches and basically cleaned up after the winds and rain that came along with the passing of Ernesto.

I still have to go pick up some cash for Gerri, who's staying in a volunteer apartment complex across the street from the hospital. I have to mail some bills, pack some clothes, and help clean the house for the family stopping by tonight. My father's flight on Saturday got rained out, so he's flying in today and is going to meet us at the hospital tomorrow morning. He hasn't seen the house yet, so I'm hoping he can swing away from Jason for a day and check it out when I'm home.

I haven't spoken to Jason. For some reason it seems harder to talk to him that anyone else. I'm afraid I'm going to get angry if I hear him and he sounds bored or preoccupied or something. I love him, and I know this is going to help, but right now thinking that I'm saving his life doesn't make this easy at all. Does everyone go through this? I feel like I don't want to see him at all - once this is done I just want to go away and be alone for a while. I really tried to get all my feelings in order before this day, but it's just not working. One second I'm happy, one second I'm screaming, one second I'm crying, one second I can't feel anything, which is worse than all of them. I just go numb and my hands start to shake (more and more), my arms feel like lead balloons, and I get cramps in my calf muscles. I can't focus on reading, watching TV only works for about an hour, and music just goes right through me.

The best thing has been being with my wife. But I can't relax around her, either. I'm so afraid to make things worse for her than they already are. I can see her doing the same things - re-organizing the tablecloths, power-washing the fence behind the bushes, doing anything at all to not think about what we need to do.

I should probably be downstairs with her right now instead of writing this. I should probably be doing 100 other things than this right now. But I can't. I can't stop doing these stupid things because right now they're the only things keeping me sane.

Goddamn my stomach hurts.